WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?

“Who is responsible for this?” You can probably remember the sinking feeling you had as a kid when someone in charge – like your parent or teacher – uttered those words. Something had happened. Maybe a practical joke gone wrong, maybe some inadvertent mistake by an unknowing soul, maybe a poor choice that led to disaster. Whatever it was, before anybody was moving on, someone had to accept the responsibility. You could usually hear a pin drop…no one was willingly taking that bullet.

Taking the bullet is tough. But in sports, mistakes are a part of the experience. The best players in the world swing and miss, fumble the ball, and miss easy shots. Even those guys make errors – it’s all part of the game. And when things go wrong, no one likes to take the blame. But believe it or not, learning to accept responsibility is a skill that any athlete working to reach their full potential must develop. That’s because champion athletes don’t skirt that burden; they accept it.

In sports, there are strong-minded and weak-minded athletes. We’re here, aren’t we, to help our kids become stronger-minded? When things go wrong, the strong-minded athlete usually doesn’t care too much about blaming someone. He doesn’t even care too much if he’s the one to blame. If he’s truly driven to succeed, he probably isn't spending much time dwelling on what’s already happened, either good or bad. He's more focused on the next play than he is on the last one. Does this describes your child? Does he have that "next play" mentality? I hope so, but if he does, then he’s in the minority. Most of his teammates won’t be so tough.

The weak-minded athlete is more common. He’s insecure. He feels easily defined by his failure, which often makes his confidence shaky and his mindset defensive. That’s why he has such a hard time moving on to the next play, especially if something's gone wrong. The strong athlete doesn’t need to issue blame in order to move on, but the weak one usually does. 

It takes a confident, secure, strong-minded athlete to willingly accept his share of the blame when something goes wrong. This athlete has probably come to some important understandings of the truth. First, he understands that he’s not defined by some mistake or failure – they're part of the game, and he can handle that. Second, he understands that even though a mistake can cost a team or player, usually it’s that team or player’s inability to move past a mistake that really kills them. Champion athletes can move on quickly, and focus on what’s controllable and what’s important: the next play. Third, he understands the value of this skill – accepting blame – as a way to help his weaker-minded teammates do what they can’t on their own – to move on, too – and in the process, to help his team in its pursuit of success.

Ultimately, a champion athlete’s strength and confidence allow him to accept the blame that’s due him, and then lay it down and move on from the burden that comes with it. Beyond that, a champion will probably find that he’s even capable of accepting some blame that doesn’t belong to him – that rightfully should land on the shoulders of other fragile, weak-minded teammates. He knows he’s strong enough to handle it…and he knows they probably aren’t. The champion athlete wants to win, and if that means accepting responsibility so that others can move on with him toward that end, then he’ll willingly take the bullet.

Now don’t get me wrong: your kid doesn’t need to take every bullet out there. There may be times when it’s necessary for him to dispute someone’s accusation of blame. Other times, he might be outside a dispute and will need to successfully support someone else who’s to blame. He doesn’t have to take the blame every time. But if he’s secure and confident enough to accept the blame he’s due, and occasionally accept even some that's not his, too? Then he’s a confident, strong-minded teammate who’ll bring value to those around him. And if he can’t take any of the blame, any of the time? Then he’s mentally weak, fragile, and insecure. And if that’s the case, you can both kiss reaching his full potential goodbye.

No doubt, there is great value in becoming an athlete who’s strong and confident enough to say the words, “My fault.” When something goes wrong, to be able to step up and say, “I am responsible.” Then, once spoken, to move on with a commitment to making it right. These players make up great teams – teams that overcome adversity, play in the present moment, and win often because of it. They are made up of individuals who not only accept their share of the burden, but are also looking to bear one another's burdens, too.

Your son can develop this skill – learning to accept responsibility. It’s a talent, really, for any teammate to possess, and it will help him as an athlete. But, more importantly, consider for a minute how developing this talent in sports might change your son's experiences for life. 

What kind of a husband will he be, for instance, if he can accept his share of the blame when things go wrong, and maybe even be strong and confident enough to occasionally, willingly accept some of the blame that should belong to his wife? Conversely, what kind of a spouse will he be if he can never accept any responsibility for anything that goes wrong in his marriage? If it’s always his wife’s fault? If you help him develop this valuable skill, how might it change the kind of parent he becomes? Or the kind of employee? Or the kind of friend? It seems to me, if we’re talking about helping our kids reach their full potential in this world, both as athletes and as people, then teaching them how to accept responsibility is of paramount importance.

So how do you teach your child how to accept the blame? As always, your words will be important. It’s your job to help him understand the value of accepting responsibility, the truth about his identity, and the role mistakes or failures play in shaping it. But more important than your words, of course, will be the example you set with your actions. You can talk all day about the importance of being a teammate, but if your boy never sees you accept responsibility for what happens in your own life, then your words will be empty. If you're weak-minded, insecure, and defensive, you’ll probably help show him how to become weak-minded, insecure, and defensive, too.

When you fall short, as we all do – as spouses, as parents, as employees, or as friends – show your child how to say those words: “I am responsible.” Then, just as importantly, show him how to move on with a commitment to making it right. The more you can accept responsibility in your life, the more likely you'll help your child learn how in his life, too. By doing so, you help him become his very best.

Who knows…maybe one day someone will look at the champion of an athlete and man you’ve raised and say, “Man, this kid is strong, confident, and secure. Who is responsible for this?” There will be no pin drop. You’ll be able to proudly acknowledge, “I am.”