RAISE A PLAYER, NOT A PUPPET

Walk into any kids sporting event these days and you might feel like you’re in a Disney movie. Sadly, it’s not some sort of Cinderella story I’m talking about here; it’s more like our youth sports version of Pinocchio. Like puppeteers, many parents spend their time in the stands working to direct their child’s every move. They shout their commands – “Go! Stop! No, not there! Yes! Shoot! Shoooot!!!” – and expect their puppets – sorry, children, I mean, to perform accordingly. Those kids are out there doing all they can, but it’s tough to play your best today, and even harder to become your best for tomorrow, when someone else is pulling the strings.

Why do so many parents do this? Why do we feel compelled to manage and manipulate our kids’ decisions for them? Usually it’s simple…because we care. We all want success for our kids, and in the bleachers – where we have so little control – this is often our best attempt to “help.” But even if you have good intentions, I want you to see today that choosing to be the puppeteer parent is doing more harm than good.

Forget the fact that those directives parents shout from the stands are usually bad advice, that they typically contradict what is the right play, the highest percentage play, or the coach-instructed play to be made. (Though all that’s usually true.) The bigger issue is, what kind of an athlete is the puppeteer parent creating? If your child is constantly looking into the crowd for you to tell them what to do, validate what they did well, or justify what they did wrong, chances are they aren’t fully engaged in the game. If you've trained them to listen for your voice in the heat of competition, then they’re probably hesitating, questioning, and second-guessing their own voice. And maybe most importantly, if they’re submitting to your decisions, then they aren’t learning to make decisions and play the game for themselves. You’re actually keeping them from becoming a real player.

That’s why, if you’re serious about helping your child reach their full potential, you’ve got to cut the puppeteer act and the strings that come with it. Remember in Pinocchio, Gepetto desperately wanted his puppet to become a real boy. That was his wish. He knew in order for that to happen, it meant removing the strings of control and letting Pinocchio make decisions for himself. The same principle applies here. Real players make decisions, not just obey commands. They solve problems, they try and fail, and they learn and improve. As a parent, there’s an element of freedom you have to give to a kid you want to become a real player. You have to be willing to cut them loose.

Real players make decisions, not just obey commands.

The fear of course is that allowing our kids to make decisions means allowing them to make some bad decisions. If you remember, Pinocchio made some bad decisions and got himself into trouble when Gepetto relinquished the role of his puppeteer. But making some bad decisions, especially in a safe, controlled environment like sports, is an important part of learning how to make good decisions. Mark Twain said, “Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from bad decisions.” None of us want to see our kids make bad decisions, but we have to accept it's part of the process that becoming a real player requires.

Cutting your child loose means coming to terms with the fact that sometimes they’ll go when you think they should stop, or pass when you think they should shoot. It means biting your tongue instead of barking commands. It means recognizing the right way and the wrong way to help. Does your child need your help learning how to become a real player? Absolutely they do; they can’t become their best without your instruction and advice. But do they need you to be their puppeteer? Absolutely not.

The truth is, they’ll probably become more decisive, more assertive, and more confident if you tell them you trust them enough to let them do it themselves. You’re not weakening your child with a decision like that, you’re strengthening them – especially as they get older and crave more freedom and responsibility. Will they make some bad decisions? Of course. You might as well accept it. But they’ll also be learning how to play the game and gaining valuable experience that’ll help them moving forward. And if that’s your focus, you might find that someday your wish has come true, that you’ve got yourself a real player – one who’s prepared for real success…with no strings attached.