MORE THAN WINNING

Everybody loves to win. If you’re a competitor like me, I’m sure you love to win yourself. And if you’re a competitive sports parent – like me – then you really love seeing your child win, too. I think we’d all agree that winning and the pursuit of winning are good things, for us and for our kids. We live in a competitive world today, and our kids will be competing all their lives, too. That means developing our kids’ will to win is an important part of helping them become their best. But I want you to see clearly today that for the champion sports parent, it’s bigger than that. The experience is about more than winning; it’s about building and developing a winner.

What’s the difference, you might be wondering? The difference is that winning is something you do – it’s a result or an outcome. A winner is something you become – it’s a process of growth and development. Winning is a one-time event; becoming a winner is more like an everyday commitment. Winning is something you need a scoreboard to validate. But a winner doesn't need anything or anyone else to tell them that they played like a winner. As a champion – in sports and in life – that’s something they can validate for themselves.

Winning is a one-time event; becoming a winner is more like an everyday commitment.

The problem is, we have a tendency to focus so much on whether our child won or lost that we overlook whether or not they played like a winner. I hope you can see that it’s entirely possible for any athlete – including yours – to win a game and still play like a loser. Despite the positive outcome, they can be lazy, selfish, or negative. Every time they're faced with a challenging circumstance, they crumble to pieces. They disrespect their coach, the referee, their teammates, or their opponent. They can do all that and still luck their way into having more points on the scoreboard. That of course that counts for something, but I hope you can see the scoreboard doesn’t always tell the whole story.

As a sports parent, there's danger when you only focus on the outcome. If your child plays like a loser but still lucks into winning, and then comes over afterward and hears from you, “You won! I’m so proud of you!” then you’re helping to clarify for them what you really value, and in turn helping them determine – in their own mind – what they should value, too. It’s not about my effort, or toughness, or courage, they can say. It’s not about how I treat people or the adversity I overcome. It’s not about my attitude. It’s only about the score. When your words and actions affirm beliefs like that in the mind of your child, then their focus and attention will move away from what's most important – that everyday commitment to becoming their best. A singular focus on a winning outcome can actually keep your child from getting better in the areas that are most important to winning something more important in the future. Ironic, huh?

Just as the champion sports parent can see it’s possible for their young athlete to win the game and play like a loser, they also see that their child can lose the game and play like a champion. Even in defeat, it’s possible they've exhibited the qualities of a winner. They've given their very best. They've shown toughness and courage and persistence. When things got hard, they buckled down and kept competing. They were good to their teammates and respected their coach, the referee, and the opponent. Despite their inspired, determined effort, it wasn’t enough on the scoreboard. They're disappointed, and you probably are, too. Losing the game counts for something, sure, but you also know the scoreboard doesn’t always tell the whole story.

There’s a benefit to focusing on more than just the outcome. When they play like a champion, even though their team lost, and then come over afterward and hear from you, “You competed like a winner. I’m so proud of you!” then you’re helping to clarify for them what you really value, and in turn helping them determine – in their own mind – what they should value, too. The score matters, of course, but that’s not all that matters, they can say. My effort and my toughness and my courage matter, too. How I treat people and how I respond to adversity matter. My attitude matters. When your words and actions affirm beliefs like that in the mind of your child, then you’re on your way to building and developing the mindset of a champion.

Developing your child’s will to win is an important part of helping them become their best, but I hope you’re willing to see that as a champion sports parent, it’s bigger than that. I hope you see that you’re also responsible for developing your child’s effort and toughness and courage. Their persistence, their selflessness, and their attitude. The mediocre sports parent looks past all those things in their naive pursuit of success. But the champion sports parent sees clearly that winning today is about way more than just winning.