CAN TOUGHNESS BE TAUGHT?
We all want our kids to be tough. We recognize it's an important skill they need to possess, to be capable of handling the struggles and challenges that come with the pursuit of any real, meaningful achievement. And it's true...toughness does matter. It's a quality that separates the champions from everyone else, in sports and in life. But it can also feel like it’s a quality some people just have and others just don’t. As a parent or a coach working hard to build and develop people worthy of winning - on the playing field and beyond - you may find yourself asking, “Can toughness be taught?” And if so, then how?
The truth is, toughness can be taught. It can be trained and cultivated and developed. In fact, it must be. Tough people only get tough one way. They aren’t the lucky winners of some toughness lottery, and they haven’t been sprinkled with toughness dust by some magic fairy. Tough people have built their toughness – slowly, gradually, and often painfully, over the course of time from the ground up. They aren’t tough by luck or by accident. Their strength is hard-fought and hard-earned. If you have it, that’s how you got it. And that’s how your young athlete will get it, too.
Like with any quality or characteristic you want to develop, this slow, gradual process of building toughness can be broken down into three phases: recognition, development, and separation. As a leader in the lives of your kids, your teaching plays an important role in each. Let’s take a closer look at how...
1) Recognition. Recognition is the critical first step in cultivating our toughness. It all starts with recognizing that toughness plays an important role in our success and an important part in the pursuit of becoming our best. We have to recognize that if we don’t have it, we need it, and to recognize we have the potential to build our capacity for toughness if we choose. As our recognition grows, so does our conviction to improve. Building toughness starts as something we can do, but hopefully it doesn’t stop there. Hopefully it becomes something we realize we should do, and eventually something we believe we must do. The more we recognize its importance, the more willing we are to do what it takes to develop it. The same is true for our kids.
So what part do you play in your kids’ recognition? What might your teaching look like? Early in the building process, it might simply be explaining to your young athlete what toughness looks like and why it’s so important. It may include talking about the important role it’s played in your life or finding examples of famous athletes whose toughness helped define them or their success. The more you emphasize it and illustrate it, the more your kids will learn to recognize its importance and value it for themselves.
2) Development. If recognition is the critical first step, then development is the long, slow, often painful next step. Recognition is about knowing, but development is about doing. It’s about stepping into the arena and competing. It’s about working to move beyond who we used to be in the pursuit of who we recognize we can become. For any one of us, getting tough requires doing tough things. That means trying some hard stuff. It means coming up short and dealing with our failure. Slowly and gradually, it also means developing some resilience in the face of those challenges, and learning how to get back up when we fall. It means choosing to be empowered instead of victimized, taking responsibility instead of issuing blame, and finding courage in the face of our fear. Development is about struggling our way forward and earning some toughness for ourselves. The same is true for our kids.
So what part do you play in your kids’ development? What might your teaching look like? It starts with a willingness to move your child’s education beyond the theoretical and into the experiential. Your job is to find some arenas for them to step into and then to let them experience the struggle, to allow it and maybe even create it sometimes because you know they need the practice. Your job is to provide encouragement and accountability along the way. And through it all, your job is to keep teaching. Evaluate their response to these experiences and - good or bad - use it to help them learn and prepare to do better next time. That's what development is all about.
3) Separation. If recognition is the critical first step and development is the difficult second step, then separation is the fun third step. Separation is the by-product of development. It's the distance your toughness creates between you and those you're competing against, and the distance you create between who you are and who you used to be. Developing your toughness has made you unique and uncommon. It’s set you apart, and now you get to reap the rewards for the hard work you’ve put in. The beauty of separation is that for each of us, it grows in direct proportion to our development. The more toughness we develop, the more we set ourselves apart. The same is true for our kids.
So what part do you play in your kids’ separation? What might your teaching look like? Your job at this point is to help your kids fight their complacency and keep getting better. Don’t allow them to forget what got them here. Their success hasn’t happened by luck or by accident; it's a result of their hard work. There is more teaching to do, more toughness to build, and more separation to create. There's more success to be found.
As parents and coaches, our teaching is so important to building our kids' toughness. That toughness can be built in the life of your young athlete - it needs to be - but it’s important to remember that tough people only get tough one way. They aren’t tough by luck or by accident. Their strength is hard-fought and hard-earned, and you and your child’s will be, too.