BREAK THE CHAINS
Help your young athlete cultivate their courage and overcome their fear.
Imagine an athlete trying to play a game bound by heavy chains. Burdened by that weight, it’d be impossible for anyone to perform even close to their potential. If this was your kid, as a coach or a parent you’d immediately work to help unbind them. “There’s no way you can play with these on,” you’d probably say. “Here, let me help you get 'em off.”
It may not be quite that obvious, but many young athletes - including yours, maybe - are showing up to play every day bound and burdened. What’s holding them hostage? Their fear. I believe, today as much as ever, that many kids present a strong sense of outward confidence, but struggle inwardly with debilitating fear. Dealing with fear has always been part of the athletic experience, and something each one of us who’ve played the game have had to face. Now we're responsible for helping our kids face it, too.
In some ways fear can be a powerful motivator, but an athlete - or anyone doing anything for that matter - will never be their best if they're driven primarily by fear. What kind of fears might be holding your child back? It could be the fear of messing up. (“What if I look like an idiot in front of everyone?”) It could be the fear of letting someone down. (“What if my performance determines how they feel about me?”) Maybe it’s the fear of failure. (“What if I’m not good enough?”) Maybe it’s the fear of success. (“What if people expect this from me every time?”) Whatever it may be, any thought driven by fear doesn’t empower your child. It binds them up and holds them back.
The real irony of this challenge is that often, without even knowing it, what we choose to do or say as parents and coaches actually cultivates that fear instead of diminishing it. Despite our intentions, we can easily keep our kids bound and burdened. Or, if we’re smart and intentional - and maybe even a little brave ourselves - we can encourage their courage. We can help them break those chains and play with the strength, confidence, and fearlessness of a champion. Here are three ways to consider…
1) Embrace failure. One of the biggest misconceptions that cultivate fear is the belief that failure is the opposite of success. That idea seems logical, but it can make the proposition of failure really scary and defining. Instead of perpetuating that belief, help your young athlete see that failure actually isn’t the opposite of success. Failure is a part of success. Anyone who chooses to compete at a high level is also choosing to make failure a part of the experience. The best hitters in the world strike out regularly. The best shooters in the world miss often. The best golfers in the world hit some terrible shots. The people who win also lose. The people who succeed regularly fail.
The best of the best have developed a sense of what you might call “competitive maturity.” It allows them to accept that playing the game is really hard, that they aren’t perfect, and that sometimes - despite their best effort - things don’t go the way they want. Many of us parents and coaches have “competitive immaturity.” We irrationally somehow create a higher expectation for our own kid than even a pro has for him or herself. Any idea how much pressure that puts on our kids when we do that, and in turn how much fear it can create? Take a step back and see the reality of the place failure has in any competitive experience. Do you want your child to play fearlessly? Then quit making the possibility of failure something to be afraid of.
2) Instill some trust. We all want our kids to trust us, but trust is a two-way street. In order to receive it, we’ve usually got to be willing to give some in return. Sometimes trusting our kids to perform is really tough. That’s why so many coaches and parents try to micromanage every move, every thought, and every decision their kids make. This is what you might call “joystick” coaching or parenting. “Go here! Pass there! No! No! Yes! Over there! Shoot! Shooooot!!” Why do we do that? Usually it's because we care. Because we want the best for our kids. Of course there are times when they need our direction or our instruction, but if we aren’t careful, we can over-do it. We can elevate our kids’ anxiety and create a culture of fear.
The other option we have is to instill and develop an emerging level of trust in our kids, to say - at least as often as we can, “I trust you.” And then, to do it! To actually sit back, shut up, and allow them to perform. There’s nothing more empowering for a young person than for someone important to instill that kind of belief in them. As our kids get older, they need that. They crave it. At the same time, there’s nothing more emasculating than constantly having that control robbed from you. Of course, by turning them loose, you’re accepting that they probably won’t do everything just the way you would’ve done it. But you are instilling in them an authentic belief that they are good enough, and tough enough, and courageous enough to do something difficult without you holding their hand.
3) Keep nudging. When you’re bound by fear, stepping into the unknown and taking a risk can feel impossible. Sometimes breaking those chains requires some help. As parents and coaches, that’s why we’re here. As your child’s leader and mentor, you’re responsible for providing new opportunities for them to learn - even if they may not be willing or able to choose for themselves. Keep nudging your kids into different, challenging, even sometimes scary new experiences that can build in them the courage you know they need.
I’m not talking about anything scarring or dangerous, obviously. But you have to be willing to provide them with opportunities to experience some bravery for themselves. When you do that, you help them learn some important lessons about the place fear has in their lives - that often, it’s just an illusion. That fear is a liar, and that the scary story we create in our minds is usually a farce. That doing something big and important - and sometimes, even scary - can be really fun! Sports is a great training ground for helping our kids learn how to face their fear and cultivate their courage for life.
If your young athlete’s been trying to play the game bound and burdened by fear, it’s time for you to help them break those chains. It won’t be a quick, easy, or painless process, but it can be done - it needs to be done! And you need to be the one doing it. I want to encourage you to take a closer look at your leadership style and clarify what it is exactly that you’re promoting. I hope you’ll be committed to liberating the kids in your care, to freeing them from the kind of fear that holds them back and keeps them from becoming their best. And instead, I hope you'll use the game to cultivate the kind of courage it takes to become a champion, on the playing field and beyond.