A SUREFIRE WAY TO STINK

Want a surefire way to stink as a sports parent? There's more than one way for sure, but here's one of the easiest: focus your attention on what your child is or isn’t getting. Each of us has to determine for ourselves what we choose to value and prioritize, and I’m telling you, if you want your experience and your performance to stink, then make their “getting” your focus. Are they getting enough playing time? Are they getting the credit or the attention they deserve? Are they getting a starting spot? Are they getting the role you want for them? Are they getting a trophy or award that acknowledges all they’ve done and all they deserve? There’s plenty your young athlete can get in sports, and a lot of it probably seems important. But the more you make this your top priority, the worse off you – and your child – will be. 

There are plenty of reasons why a focus on “getting” is a surefire way to stink. First and foremost, it easily leads you into a victim mentality. What your child gets in sports is rarely controllable for you. Almost anything they get will be given to them by someone else. More playing time, a starting spot, a trophy – as much as you might want all of it for them, as a parent you can’t give them any of those things. And when what you value and prioritize exists outside your control, like it does here, it’s easy to feel victimized. What are the by-products of that victim mentality? Usually you focus on the perceived unfairness of the situation. You convince yourself your kid’s been cheated. You feel weak and powerless. You blame and complain. You pout or sulk. There’s a lot you can choose to think or do, but when you’ve adopted a victim mentality, none of it’s productive. 

Here’s another problem with a focus on “getting:” you’re only seeing the small picture. Just because your child doesn’t get what you want today doesn’t meant they never will. But if, at some point, they’re ever gonna get something they don’t currently have, then it’ll only happen because they continue to improve. Their growth and development over time give them the best opportunity to get what you want. With a short-sighted focus, you’ll be less likely to see what’s possible in the big picture – through the process of hard work, commitment, and perseverance. Instead, you’ll be too busy dwelling on today’s perceived failure. And most people who are busy dwelling aren’t busy doing – especially doing the necessary work it takes to improve. 

Here’s one more reason, in case you need it, why a focus on “getting” stinks. Whatever your child does or doesn’t get as a young athlete – even something that seems really meaningful in the moment, is probably temporary. Yes, these challenges feel important today (especially with that short-sighted perspective), but they pale in comparison to the real challenges that will exist in your child’s life to come. If you see that truth, then sports can become a great training ground for helping your kids develop the grit and resilience it takes to succeed when it really matters. If you don’t see it that way, then these are opportunities wasted.  

So if you’re looking for a surefire way to stink, that’s it. Sure, your kid might have their share of successes now and then, and you might even feel justified when you whine and complain your way into getting something for your child they might not have gotten otherwise. But if you spend your sports parent experience focused on the “getting,” you might as well accept that some, and maybe most of your experience will be miserable. And even more disheartening? With your help, your child won’t come close to reaching their full potential. 

If, on the other hand, you’re looking for a surefire way to succeed as a sports parent, then what you need is to change your focus. Instead of focusing on what your child is or isn’t getting, focus instead on what are or aren’t becoming. In any area of life, each of us has to determine for ourselves what we choose to value and prioritize, and I’m telling you, if you want to succeed as a sports parent, then make “becoming” the focus of your experience. Are they becoming a better player and a better teammate? Are they becoming more resilient in the face of adversity? Are they becoming more coachable or more courageous? More reliable, more accountable, or more trustworthy? If this is your focus, then you’re headed somewhere fun and productive.

What your child gets < What your child BECOMES

Why? First, if you believe in the power of your influence as a parent, then what your kid’s becoming is controllable. As their leader and their guide, you are responsible for their growth and improvement. Will you have complete control over who they become? Of course not. They’ll have a say, too, but if you’re committed to helping them get better – especially in areas like their toughness, their courage, and their effort – then you should feel empowered. You’ve accepted a great responsibility in the life of your young athlete, and there is great purpose in being here today to help him or her learn, grow, and improve – no matter what happens. You’re not a victim to anyone else’s decisions. You know you can use whatever happens – good or bad, fair or unfair – to help them move forward and, whether they get what they deserve or not, to become something they weren’t before. 

Here’s another reason you’re headed for success: now you’re seeing the big picture. Focusing on what your child’s becoming means embracing the process. “Becoming” doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time. They'll learn, try, fail, grow, struggle, change, and improve – it's all part of the process. There will be some good days and there will be some bad days, but all the days are tied together and connected to each other by a meaningful purpose – helping them get better. Besides, if you're committed to helping them reach their full potential, you'll probably like what he gets as a result.

There’s one more reason, in case you need it, why “becoming” leads you to success. While what your kid gets in sports is temporary, what your kid becomes will last. All the fuss about their playing time, their role on the team, the trophies they’ve won, and the other stuff they are or aren’t getting will fade away, but what they become will be here for good. All those qualities that you’re helping them develop – the qualities that will make them a great athlete today – each of them will translate to the life of a champion they’ll be living soon as an adult.

So see clearly today what your child needs from you. If they’re going to reach their full potential, they need you to forget the “getting” and focus on “becoming.” Becoming a parent who can see the big picture. A parent who understands how the events and experiences occurring on the playing field today are preparing your child for success in life tomorrow. A parent fully committed to the process of raising a champion.